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| xanga is like an ex-girlfriend i stay loyal too.
and every time i come back to her i find more and more reasons to fall back in love.
anyone else feel me?
also.
a new unspoken sort of goal for myself: quit smoking.
i would like to have my heart broken.
i would like to have someone to be crazy about.
not that i would "like" it.
but i think it would give me that spark and that push i've been needing (selfish desire for my artistic/creative slump).
but most who know me, know that's not going to happen. especially since every day i have an increasing phobia of the relationship that lies between the male and female sex, and my philosophy on the matter keeps expanding in ridiculous ways that i'm very afraid hold absolute truths.
in a nutshell, i'm just too out of my mind, too stubborn, and too independent for my own good most of the time.
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| and there it is :)
halloween time is fun.
i have always liked it.
my roommate aaron's birthday is soon.
if you live in/around omaha, we're having a house show for him.
hercules and cave kids
2 kegs
it should be a good time. | | |
| so i got a new tattoo
and fall is sweet
and my friends are wonderful
and my house is becoming the place i always dreamed of
and my mind is manifesting all i let it encompass
and i created/baked a really good coffee cake that i will serve for my family thanksgiving breakfast
i'm very thankful for many things.
i would like to start making people things more often. | | |
| hey depression.
it's been a while since we had an encounter.
out of anyone i have ever met, i am the most strange. grey slates of movement under traveling soles, no one notices what moves them. life is overwhelming in the way people refuse to see. they dwell on the pressures of their jobs, the self-improvement of their personal affairs, and the way others perceive them (as i am guilty of all of these). what i am coming to slowly coming to realize is that which frightens me most. the hidden, dusted and cloaked reality of woman in high heels, men driving machinery, and structures in the sky. the 21st century is where the universe chose to drop me, right in modern age america. i still can't believe what's in front of me on a daily basis. i grasp no sort of reality to how i'm connected to the concrete and technology. ever since i was a child i always wondered, why me? why here? why now? i could be that person in the car next to me. i could be dead 100 years past. but why now? and why me? and why here?
and what if the black hole i always imagined exists within each drink i order at the bar.
i don't wanna talk to anybody
let the music drown out the voices in my head
i don't wanna think about anybody
let the music draw pictures in my head
and i wonder if anyone is tortured like i am
it's a ghost following me around
reminding me that what i search for can't be found
it's ancient face is changing scenes
transforming my surroundings into a living dream
i can't escape and there is no release
my mind is exploring well past its boundaries
so much pain so much pain so much fucking pain. | | |
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